don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
