someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
