im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
