You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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