He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
