I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
