You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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