dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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