I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
