i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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