i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
