don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
