I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How does it feel to date your dad?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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