I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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