Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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