My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
