My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
