I feel like abortions should bother me more
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
