She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We had to coat check the pizza.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
