Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
