look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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