I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
