im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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