I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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