dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
they're like a gay fantastic four
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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