thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
