I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
