You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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