fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
