I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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