I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
