Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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