meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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