Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
