Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
