Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
