fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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