dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
