I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
