I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
