I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I deserve this hangover.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
