I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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