HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize