the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He did a backflip because drugs
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