you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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