So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
