my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
