my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
