It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
