No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
