Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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