Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
