i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
