i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
