1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
