i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
