do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
