Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
