oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We had sex on a dog bed..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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