all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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